This column was written for the Intercounty Leader in conjunction with Editor Robert Tabern’s piece honoring his father’s passing.

Losing someone you love can be tremendously difficult, and the experience is unique to each individual. While grief is a feeling, it is created by many thoughts and impacts the actions we take and those we don’t.

Loss and grieving aren’t something we often talk about freely in our society, and it isn’t common that people share openly about their journey through grief. This can make it seem challenging to feel like you have permission to process grief and loss in your own way. 

But, there truly is not one right way to grieve or feel loss. While you may have heard of the stages of grief, even those are not something we are all guaranteed to experience after a loss nor are they a step-by-step process that we must pass through. One person may experience anger, another depression, some may also experience shock, denial, bargaining, testing or acceptance. We each find our way through our own combination of these stages.

Just like there is not one “right” way to grieve, there is also not a timeline that applies to everyone. No specific amount of time will mark that grieving has ended or shifted. In reality, it’s a series of lessons as our brain adjusts to this new reality and there is not a specific time that we reach this understanding.

Mary-Frances O'Connor, author of “The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss”, writes, “Grief is a heart-wrenchingly painful problem for the brain to solve, and grieving necessitates learning to live in the world with the absence of someone you love deeply, who is ingrained in your understanding of the world. This means that for the brain, your loved one is simultaneously gone and also everlasting”

This means that even though we’ve heard “time heals all wounds,” it’s not the amount of time itself that actually does the healing. Over time your brain begins to integrate and understand that this person you had this strong attachment to is not physically able to be present with you. Your thinking about them shifts. Grief doesn’t necessarily stop at some specific point, but you learn how to move forward within this new reality. 

Because this isn’t a topic we talk about frequently, others often don’t know how to interact with someone after a loss. It doesn’t matter what others think of your process. Most people want to prevent others from feeling negative emotions so when interacting with someone after a loss, they will choose to say nothing at all in hopes of not hurting you further, others will offer platitudes like “at least they are in a better place.” And there may be some who are willing to just be present with you and your emotions. Regardless of how others respond, you don’t need to solve for anyone else’s discomfort or try to feel anything different than you are to make anyone else feel better. You can’t change their feelings anyhow. 

Losing someone you love will inevitably mean you experience negative emotions, and this is normal. These feelings may seem like a problem you have to solve, but you do not. There is not one linear path to follow nor is there a rulebook. 

If you are the person supporting someone who has experienced a loss, remember that grief is unique for each of us. If you are the one experiencing a loss, grant yourself space to feel the emotions that arise. Notice and acknowledge them. Be willing to create your own timeline as your brain adjusts.

As the late Queen Elizabeth II said, “Grief is the price we pay for love.”