This week’s reader question comes from Brian in Siren, Wisconsin: Things have been rocky with my wife for quite some time. Despite being together for about 20 years (we were high school sweethearts), I am ready to move on. We no longer bring out the best in each other. I believe that in both our eyes, things are truly beyond repair. We have even been to counseling multiple times and nothing has really come of it. I love my wife, but I am no longer in love with her. Memories and comfort are the two main reasons I stick around. The problem is our kids, one just turned 14 and the other will be turning 17. They would be absolutely devastated at the thought of their parents getting divorced and either one of us moving out of the house. Every day I wrestle with the question — just stick it out and (un)happily co-exist for three or four more years to make the kids happy or proceed with separation even though it might hurt them or make them sad? Or are they old enough to understand and want to see their parents happy either single or with someone who is a better partner?

It’s completely normal for parents to want to manage their children’s circumstances to avoid their kids experiencing negative emotions or challenging times. But the reality is that none of us can predict the exact timing that could eliminate the most discomfort for your children if that is even possible. There is also the potential that for one of your teens the perceived “best” time for this to happen may not be the same as for your other teen.

Choosing to stay until they are both 18 assumes that your children will experience less pain for the next few three to four years and that they will be happier in the meantime. However, you have already noted that this will mean that you and your wife could be unhappily coexisting. It’s questionable whether or not that will be less painful or happier for your teens or not.

On the flip side, you could choose to separate now in hopes that they will be better off seeing you both happier as parents. Yet again, there is no surefire way to guarantee their experience will be more positive this way.

You will all experience both positive and negative emotions no matter when you go through this transition for your family. Managing the timing may help, but it won’t prevent them from experiencing negative emotions. 

Knowing this, either decision could be right for you and your family as long as you have a plan to support your teens. Decide in advance with your wife how you want to do that, including communicating how you will interact with each other in front of your kids.

Now or then, your teens may feel powerless, like they have no control over the situation. Listen to their thoughts and concerns, and be prepared to help them navigate this change. Their sense of safety and unconditional love can be bolstered by how you choose to show up for them during this time. They will undoubtedly feel sadness and grief, but honoring their experience is important.  

Numerous resources are available online to support families facing divorce, and local therapists and counselors can guide you through providing support regardless of the timing you decide.

Do you have a question for a Master Certified Life Coach? Please send your questions to kari@heykarianne.com OR submit via the “Ask Kari” page at heykarianne.com.